January 18, 2007

轉載:帕慕克演講精譯》父親的箱子

剛剛整理了從去年底堆到今年的信箱,發現了兩篇好文,趕緊貼來分享,講稿來自我手邊正在閱讀的「伊斯坦堡-一座城市的記憶」的作者奧罕帕慕克,去年甫獲得諾貝爾文學獎的土耳其作家,喜歡他說故事的方式。

帕慕克演講精譯》父親的箱子(上)

【帕慕克(Orhan Pamuk)述 馬悅然‧陳文芬/譯】【2006/12/23 聯合報】

那箱子隱藏的神祕重量

我父親去世前兩年,他留給我裝滿他手稿的一只小箱子。他用開玩笑的口氣說:「你以後慢慢看吧。」他有一點不好意思:「你看看裡頭有沒有能用的。我走了以後也許你可以出版一個選本。」

我們在我的書房,周圍都是書。我父親走來走去找一個地方放下他的箱子。他像是卸去了一個痛苦的包袱,終於安安靜靜地把箱子放在一個角落裡。這是我們兩人之間永難忘記羞赧的一刻,稍後我們講了幾句輕鬆的話,心情放鬆了。又講了一些瑣碎的家常話,談談土耳其沒完沒了政治的麻煩事,以及他那些賒本的買賣。先前的傷感就過去了。

我記得父親離開以後,我在書房走來走去好幾天,一次都沒動過那皮箱。我早就熟悉那小小的黑色皮箱子、那把鎖的模樣。我爸爸旅行時就帶那箱子,出去工作時也帶那箱子。我也記得我小時候爸爸回來時我常開那小箱子,我喜歡那裡頭的香水味。這小箱子是我少年的記憶,可我現在不敢動它。為什麼不敢開呢?當然是那箱子隱藏的神祕重量讓我不敢啟動了。

我現在要跟你們講這重量的意義。就是一個人把自己關在房間裡,坐在桌子前,退到一個角落,為了要表達他的思想,所創造的那文學的意義。

我真害怕的
是我不願意發現父親是一個好作家的可能

當我摸那箱子,我還是不能打開它。我早知道那箱子裡的一些筆記本寫些什麼。我看過我父親用筆記本寫東西。這不是第一次我感受到皮箱子的重量,我父親藏書很多,1970年代他年輕時候立願當伊斯坦堡詩人,他也把梵樂希(法國作家Paul Valery)的詩翻譯成土耳其文,可是他不願意在一個沒有多少讀者的貧窮國家過詩人的生活。我的祖父是一個有錢的商人,我父親的少年過得很舒服,他並不願意為了文學捨棄繁華,他愛生活與生活之美,這我懂得。

我不願意打開這箱子的主要原因,當然是怕我不會欣賞父親所寫的東西。我父親也懂得這一點,所以他把那箱子交給我時就用開玩笑的態度了。當了二十五年作家我為了這事情難過,我也不是為了我父親不重視文學而生他的氣,我真害怕的,是我不願意發現父親是一個好作家的可能。因為怕這一點,我不能開我父親的箱子。我甚至不能承認我的恐懼,要是真的有價值很高的文學從這箱子出土了,我必得承認在我父親身上存在著另一種完全兩樣的人,那是非常可怕的。雖然我是一個成人,但我寧可我父親就是我的父親,而不是一個作家。

寫作就是
把內省的經驗變成文字

當作家對我來說,就是用幾年好耐煩的追求才發現「祕密的他人」在你裡頭。每一個人都有一個「祕密的他人」在其內在的世界,這世界是提供他人存在的理由。寫作對我來說首先不是想到詩或者文學傳統,而是一個人關在房子坐在桌前,一個人內省文字創造一個新的世界。這個(男或女)人會用打字機或電腦,或如我寫作三十年都用自來水筆。他有時候也許喝茶喝咖啡抽菸,有時站起來往窗外看見孩子們在街上玩,要是運氣好會看見樹林和風景,也許他只看到黑色的牆壁。也許像我一樣寫詩、戲劇或小說。寫作,這一切都是耐煩的內省結果。寫作就是把內省的經驗變成文字。研究那作者內心所進入的世界,也要堅持不放棄,要感到快樂。我在桌前坐著,長期地、慢慢地把空白紙上加上一些新的詞,我感覺我創造了一個新的世界。好像我讓體內的另外一個人復活了,像一個人會用一個一個的石頭蓋一座橋樑或圓頂房屋。我們作家用的石頭就是文字,找到了我自己的「他人」。對我們作家來說文字是我的磚頭,這些磚頭我們可以從遠的地方觀察,也可以用紙或筆尖摸它們秤它們的輕重,一字一句加進文本裡頭,這樣過了好幾年我們就可以耐煩地創造出新的世界。

最玄妙的感覺,
就是發現有一些句子、有一些想像不是我自己的

一個作家的祕密不是靈感,誰都不知道靈感從哪裡來,而是他堅持的耐煩。一個可愛的土耳其文俗語說:「用一支針挖一口井。」我看是對一個作家說的了。我在《我的名字叫紅》那小說描寫古代的細密畫家,他們可以連年畫同一匹馬,一直到眼睛不看也可以畫出來。我描寫他們的生活,我知道我描寫的就是專業作家的生活與我自己的生命。為了要達到那種需要的創造力,作家得非常耐煩好幾年的工夫坐在書桌前寫作、寫作、寫作。當作家感覺太寂寞,當作家不相信自己的想像,當他所寫的沒有意義了,當他認為他寫的不關別人的事,而是自己的事,那時靈感的天使就會出現,把故事跟想像勾勒成一個作者自己想追求的內在世界。對我來說最玄妙的感覺,就是發現有一些句子有一些想像不是我自己的,而是另外一種力量讓我使用的……

我怕開父親的箱子,怕閱讀他的筆記本。我知道自己接受的寫作困境他不會接受;他喜歡的就是跟朋友在一起過非常舒服的生活。也許我所談到的那些創作的困境是我自己的經驗,我自己的一種片面的看法是生活教我的一種片面的看法。很多好作家跟朋友與家人一起,也會寫出很好的文學作品。寂寞並非必要的困境。我小時候父親常常去巴黎,坐在旅館裡頭像那些作家寫出一本一本的筆記本。我知道那個箱子裡也有這些巴黎的筆記本。他跟我說這些事。他告訴我他多次在巴黎街上見過沙特。熱情地告訴我看過哪些電影等重要的消息。我免不了想到,我父親跟我談這些世界文學對我當一個作家的影響很深。我想到父親的藏書對我有多重要!想到這點,我是該讀他的筆記本了。

從遠處看我父親的書房
像是真實世界的一種象徵

我一看父親給我的箱子,就感覺到我硬是不能打開它了。我父親有時候躺在書架旁邊的沙發,放下手上的書或雜誌,開始夢想,長久思索。他的表情跟平時很不一樣。他的表情就是在內省了,有一種不安定的憂慮。我年輕時就懂得他心裡的不安。好幾年以後我知道那種憂慮就是把一個人變成作家的現象,沒有這股憂慮也就沒有寫作的驅動力了。你要當作家就需要離開來來往往的人,把自己關進書房。我們要的就是耐煩與用文字創造深邃世界的希望。

但是一把自己關在書房裡,我們不是原來想的那麼寂寞。陪我們的是前人的文字,他人的故事,他人的詞彙,我們所謂傳統的東西。我相信文學是人類追求瞭解自己的重要因素。

父親藏書有一千五百本,這足夠滿足一個作家的需要。我二十二歲時,也許沒有讀過那全部的書,但每一本書我都認得,我知道哪些是重要的書,哪些是容易讀的、哪些是經典作品與教育的要素。我也認得那些有意思但可以不讀的本土歷史作品,也懂得我父親非常欣賞法國作家的作品。有時候我從遠處看我父親的藏書,想像有一天我在另一個房子創造我自己的書房,一個更好的書房創造一個更好的世界。從遠處看我父親的書房,像是真實世界的一種象徵,而那世界是從我們伊斯坦堡的教徒眼睛所見。父親的書是他到國外,到巴黎與美國買的,另一部分是他1940到1950年代在伊斯坦堡的書鋪子買的。我的世界一面代表本土,另一面混雜西方。1970年代起我也開始創造自己的藏書,我那時還沒決定將來要當作家。我在《伊斯坦堡》那本書說:「我知道我不能當畫家,但我不知道我的前途要走那一條路。」我內心有一種閱讀與學習的願望,同時感到生活有些匱缺,教我不能跟別人有同樣的生活。我感覺的一部分跟從遠處看父親的書房有所聯繫,生活離世界中心很遠的一個地方,我那時在伊斯坦堡偏僻的地方生活,另一種不安則是我清清楚楚地知道,我身處一個一點都不關懷藝術的社會,不管是作家或畫家。1970年代我拿父親給我的錢在伊斯坦堡買帶灰塵的古書,那些落魄潦倒的攤子擺著古書的樣子,像書一樣讓我感動。

寫作與閱讀好像離開一個世界
到他人的世界尋求告慰

對於我在世界上的地位、我的文學生活,我有一個感覺:我不是生活在中心,而是在邊陲。世界中心的生活要比伊斯坦堡豐富得多有意義得多。實情是,西方文學而非世界文學離我們土耳其人非常遙遠。我父親的書房可以做為證據,一面有伊斯坦堡的書,我們的文學可愛的細節;另一面有其他西方世界的書,跟我們的世界完全不同。那種不同教我們失望。寫作與閱讀好像離開一個世界到他人的世界尋求告慰,走進西方世界的慰藉。我感覺我父親讀西方文學是躲避身處的世界逃進西方去,像我要做的一樣。我感覺我那時讀那書是要躲避自己的文化,我們自己覺得不夠味的文化,不盡是寫作,我們的生活也要逃進西方。為了寫他的筆記本,父親跑到巴黎,關在屋子裡,寫那些東西,然後帶回伊斯坦堡。我在我書房搞了二十五年寫作,為了成為一個土耳其作家。我看我父親將他的深思藏進寫作,藏在箱子裡好像寫作是祕密的不該為社會與人們所見,這可能是我生父親的氣的原因,因為他不像我把文學當作一個重要的事業。

實際上,我生父親的氣是因為他沒有真正生活過,他跟朋友跟所愛的人高高興興過日子,可是我的一部分也可以說我不是生氣我是妒忌,這是較正確的字眼;但這感覺教我不安,有個憤怒的聲音在我體內問我什麼是幸福。在我那寂寞的房間過真實的生活是否感到幸福。幸福是否是在社會裡過安逸的生活,裝作你相信別人所相信的。我從那兒得到度量生活真的美好的是幸福,不能逆轉成美好的生活實則是不幸。我記得父親好幾次逃跑了,我認識自己的父親到什麼程度?我怎麼能懂得他心裡的不安。(上)

帕慕克演講精譯》父親的箱子(下)

【帕慕克(Orhan Pamuk) 馬悅然‧陳文芬/譯】【2006/12/24 聯合報】

作家帶著自身祕密的傷口,
那是我們寫作的資源

這些思想教我頭一次打開父親的箱子。父親是不是有一種祕密,有一種我不知道的不幸,教他相信只有通過寫作能耐煩的。我一開他的箱子便想起其旅行的味道,我認得好些他的筆記本,我記得他很早就給我看過但沒有多說,我現在手中的筆記本多半是他年輕時離家跑到巴黎去寫的,我所想知道的是我父親到底想什麼,當他的年紀與我相同的時候。我很快就發現得不到答案。我特別不安的是我在那筆記本中偶然會找到作者的聲音。我告訴自己這並非真實,且不屬於我認為的父親這個人的。我怕的是我父親寫作的時候不是我的父親,恐懼底層還有更深的恐懼:我自己並非真實,我也怕自己從父親的筆記本裡頭找不到有質量的作品。我更怕發現父親太受別的作家影響。我年輕時所感覺的一種絕望,教我感覺到他的問題。懷疑我的人生,我的存在,我的寫作。當作家頭十年那種不安的感覺很深,雖然有時推開它,終有一天我要承認失敗,像畫畫失敗那樣,我就不寫了。

我已經提到兩種為什麼我關了父親箱子的感覺,就是被放逐到境外和我自己缺乏真實的恐怖感。這不是我第一次有這兩種感覺,可我寫作的時候才懂得真實的問題(像我的小說《黑書》),和生活在邊陲(像在《雪》與《伊斯坦堡》中)。對我們來說,作家帶著自身祕密的傷口,我們自己並不認識、承認這些痛苦與傷口的祕密當作我們寫作的資源。

我的決心來自所有人都是相像的,別人也有我相同的傷口

一個作者談的是大家知道可是他們自己不知道的。發展這種知識,看見它成長,使你快樂。讀者會去拜訪他既熟悉又奇妙的世界。一個作家好幾年把自己關在一個屋子裡創造一個世界,他用他祕密的傷口作為起點,不管他自己知不知道他對人類有很大的信仰。我的決心來自所有人都是相像的,別人也有我相同的傷口。真正的文學來自孩子氣地帶著希望地肯定所有人都是相像的。一個作家好幾年把自己關在屋子裡頭,他暗示只有一個人類,只有一個沒有中心的世界。

從我父親的箱子與伊斯坦堡很淺的顏色來說,世界就是有一個中心在那兒。那中心離我們很遠。在我的作品裡我詳細描寫這個重要的因素創造了契訶夫、創造了那種邊陲感。從另外一個道路讓我懷疑我的真實性。我的經驗告訴我世界上人民多半有同樣的感受。很多人感受到匱缺。一種缺少安全感的自卑心,比我還強的。

是的,人類的最大困境還是沒有國、沒有家庭,以及飢餓。可是現在電視'、報紙比文學更快更簡單地告訴我們這個基礎問題,文學需要討論和研究的,就是人類的根本恐懼是被邊緣化了,被認為沒有價值,和那些恐懼所帶來的集體羞辱。我每一次遇見那種感覺和表達那種感覺非理性的誇張語言,我感覺恐怖。我們常常目睹西方以外的人民社會與國家,我很容易認同他們,看見他們因為恐怖所驅使而做出愚蠢的事情,因為他們敏感地害怕被侮辱。我也知道西方,我也同樣能認同,國家與人民因為他們的財富而太驕傲,他們帶來的文藝復興、啟蒙時期與現代化,常常,他們擁有像被屈辱之人相同的自大與愚蠢。

我創造只存在我腦中的世界,
比我生活的城市還真實

這意味著不僅我父親是其中之一,我們大家太看重世界中心的現象。教我們把自己關在屋子裡用好幾年工夫寫作這個信念就是相反的:我們相信終於有一天我們的寫作會被閱讀與理解,因為世上所有人都是相像的。我父親的寫作是一個太樂觀的看法。因為我們怕的是被放到邊陲去了。杜斯妥也夫斯基終生對西方的憎恨我也時有所感。我的樂觀有其原因,我跟大作家一起旅行穿過他對西方的憎恨,看見他在那邊,一個不同的世界。
我現在感覺與我少年時想的不同,對我來說伊斯坦堡是世界的中心。最近三十三年我描寫過城市的街道、狗、房子、教堂、泉水,傳奇英雄、鋪子、有名的人、幽暗之地,白日與夜晚,擁抱他們成為我生活的一部分。我用雙手創造只存有在我腦中的世界比我生活的城市還真實,那些居民那些房子他們彼此談話,他們互動做些我沒想過的樣子,好像他們不僅存在我的想像跟我的書中,而是為他們自己而生活。我像用一根針挖口井創造的世界好像比什麼都真實。

我能用自己的想像
是因為我一直都不怕父親

我看我父親的箱子時,我想他寫作的那幾年也許也找到一種快樂與幸福。我非常感謝他,他一直都不像一般父親那樣命令或懲罰我。而是讓我自由。父親用尊敬的態度對待我。我常常想到我能用自己的想像是因為我一直都不怕我的父親。我有時深信我能作為一個作家是因為我父親年輕時也希望成為一個作家,我應該用寬容的態度試一試讀他坐在旅館寫的東西。

我以樂觀態度坐在那裡讀了筆記本的手稿。我父親到底寫什麼?他寫巴黎旅館看到的風景,也有一些詩與理論。我正在寫這感覺,像車禍的人一樣想記起事情怎麼發生的,同時也怕記得太清楚。我小時候父母親開始吵架以前,他們兩人什麼都不說。還沒開罵以前他們就扭開廣播。音樂替我們遮掩那些衝突。

我寫作的原因

現在我願意講幾句甜蜜的話,就像音樂所起的作用。我們作家常常要回答的問題是你為什麼寫作。我現在要回答:我寫作,因為我最喜歡的就是寫作。我跟一般人不同,我不喜歡一般的工作。我寫作的原因,是我願意讀像我自己寫的書。我寫作的理由是我恨你們,恨你們所有的人。我非常喜歡寫作的原因是我整天坐在書房裡,只有通過寫作可以改變現實。我寫作的原因是要全世界的人知道我,和其餘住在伊斯坦堡和土耳其以前與現在人們的生活方式。我寫作的原因是我喜歡筆跟紙跟墨水的香味。我寫作的原因是我寧願相信小說藝術跟別的東西。我寫作的原因是一個習慣一個愛好。我寫作的原因是怕被遺忘。我寫作的原因是我愛名跟吸引人們的注意。我寫作的原因是要當我自己。我寫作的原因是要懂得我為什麼那麼生大家的氣。我寫作的原因是我喜歡人讀我寫的東西。我寫作的原因是把小說這些文本從我開始寫的那一頁到結束終於寫完了。我寫作的原因就是人家都認為我應該寫的,等待我寫的。我寫作的原因是我像孩子一樣相信圖書館永遠活著,我的書永遠放在書架上。我寫作的原因是生活跟世界非常奇妙。我寫作的原因是我非常喜歡用文字描寫生活的美麗。我寫作的目的不是講故事而是創造故事。我寫作的原因是要擺脫一個看法也即總有一個不能達到的地方,我要解放自己到達那處所。我寫作的原因是我從來沒有感到很幸福,我寫作的原因是要追求幸福。

父親告訴我,將來有一天
會得到今天的大獎

父親到我書房來交出箱子之後的一星期又來看我。他照例又帶了巧克力糖(他忘了我已經四十八歲了),我們聊天擺龍門陣談生活家庭,謠言與八卦,我父親的眼睛看向他留的箱子的角落,看到我動過箱子了。父子眼神交會,接著有一種壓力的靜默,我沒告訴他開了箱子讀內容,我轉過去不跟他眼神接觸。可是他懂得,我也懂得他懂的,正如他懂得我懂得他懂的。這些懂得就在霎時間溜過去了。因為我父親是個快樂、自信的人,他跟我微笑,他離開我房子時,重複對我說鼓勵的話,他總給我說像個父親該說的鼓勵話。

我父親把箱子交給我的二十三年前我決定當作家以後的四年,寫完了頭一部小說,我顫抖的手把未發表的稿子交給父親,要他告訴我他的感覺。這不僅是我信任他的品味與智慧……他的意見對我來說很重要,他不像媽媽反對我當作家的志業。那時候我父親在遠方。我不耐煩地等他回來。爸爸帶那稿子出去旅行,過了兩星期他回來,我跑到門口歡迎他。父親什麼都沒說。他馬上以擁抱我的方式告訴我他非常欣賞我的小說。那種強烈的感覺所帶來的我們兩人的沉默。我們兩人安定下來談話時,我父親用非常誇獎的語言表達他信任我與我的第一部小說。他告訴我將來有一天會得到今天的大獎。

他這樣說不是要說服我,讓我相信他的好意見,也不是以大獎作為鼓舞。他像個土耳其父親說我將來會是個「巴夏」(pasha)有名的人。以後他見我時用同樣的話來鼓勵我。他認為我將來肯定會得到我今天得到的大獎。

我父親是2002年12月過世的。尊敬的頒發大獎給我的院士們和尊敬的聽眾,我希望我父親今天能參加儀式。(下)

由 mrs.turtle 發表於 January 18, 2007 02:52 PM | 引用
迴響

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